Day 4
So today I did nothing. I tried to write my speech for Monday that I have to give at school, but it's not going well. I've been really depressed and homesick, especially after reading the letter my parents gave me again. I want to cry every time I think of home... Even though I'm so depressed I'm trying to keep my head up. Ugh even thinking of that phrase makes me want to cry. It reminds me of my parents so much. Now I realize how important my family is to me, especially now that it's gone. I should have savored my last days with them more. I miss them so much~ ;( the only thing that's really helping me through the day is telling myself that God has a plan for me and that ill see my parents at Christmas, which isn't that far away. I wish time would just pass faster! It feels like days have past in just 5 hours... I need something to do... But I'm sure that once school starts ill be occupied and then I won't have to worry. Then time will start passing and life here will be just like life at home. I hope.
Weirdest thing happened today. So I was trying to keep my head up and not think about home which is a huge struggle, so I decided to listen to some music to distract myself since I'm not doing anything. Recently I've been thinking about david archuletta's "don't run away" because it speaks to me about not running away from my situation, and whenever I listen to it, I always think one Line says "God you're here no matter how far." Even though it really doesn't. In my quiet times I've been learning a lot about trusting God even though I can't physically seeing or feeling him, so it was a coincidence to be thinking about this and learning about it at the same time. To make things even crazier, when I turned on my phone and pressed shuffle in spotify, the first song that came up was dont run away! I'm definitely going to take that as a sign that God has a plan for me here and that he really wants me to stay. So even though I'm super homesick, I'm going to try and endure this so I can fulfill God's will. This is going to be hard, but I think I can do it. I talked to my Dad today too, which strengthened me a bit too. Also I was able to talk to Blake, the exchange student from last year, and Hansen from a few years ago, and they said that school makes everything a lot better and that everything gets easier with time. I hope it's the same for me!
So pretty much we just sat around all day, but we watched the smurfs and some videos from when my host family went to Disneyland in California. We talked about newsies and the differences between American and Japanese movies, and I guess they were surprised about how much I knew about Disney. I told them that it's just cause I grew up in America. It was fun. I felt a lot better after talking to them, and it made remember that being here is a once in a life time chance. I want to make the best out of my trip, and watching the newsies at Disneyland dance and sing to seize the day helped me see the importance if making the best out of everyday here. Wallowing in my depression is wasting my time, and I should be trying to learn/see/experience something new everyday! I just hope I don't get super homesick again. The feelings still linger, but I hope I can completely shake them soon. Even though most of today was really boring, I was still able to connect with my host mom and sister, so I feel accomplished.
Today my host brother left for an entrance exam studying camp with his school. I feel bad for him, having to study all the time. He's applying to Kyoto university! And the English he was studying was really crazy, even I had to read slowly and reread to understand. It amazes me how much they study.
Lol after all the fun I had today watching Korean dramas, movies, and playing games, I kinda don't want school to start. But I keep on thinking about home right now, so I'm depending on school to occupy my mind. I gotta have my aha moment! My moment when I realize that this is my chance to experience the scary real world! It's kinda intimidating but it's a once in a lifetime chance so I have to make the best out of it. I can do all things with my God who gives me strength. I'm worried about a lot of things, but I know that I can do everything with God. My dad told me this morning, "one day Leighton when you're old you'll come to realize that God is completely in control. Our fears and our doubts are the way God teaches us that. It takes a long time, but by doing this, you're on the right track."
I believe it! And I'm excited, nervous, and scared about what God has in store for me. No matter what, He will pull me through. I don't have to worry at all because I know that God is with me always.
I realized today that I get depressed and start thinking when I'm tired. Ughh school please start, make me busy.
We ate gyuudon for dinner, not my favorite because of the egg but still good, and we watched some tv too. I continue to surprise them with how much Japanese culture I already understand. I obviously don't know everything, but really by just watching tv there's not a lot to learn for me. Once school starts oh goodness it's gonna be crazy. I keep on getting really tired (it's 8:30 right now and I'm falling asleep!) and I fall asleep for a bit after each meal. It's weird. Tomorrow my host mom wants me to write out the lyrics to Disneyland's version of "seize the day" from newsies, and i told her that it shouldn't take very much time. She seems really happy that I'm doing this for her, but I really don't know why. Is she going to memorize them? I'm confused. I've been doing my daily devotionals, and everyday I find something applicable to my trip!! I'm so tempted to do more than one devotional in one day, one because I want to Learn a lot and it feels good to be filled with God and his love and two because I need something to do. My new favorite verse is psalms 105:4 because its so applicable to what I'm dealing with and how I should live everyday. My parents are so smart. I love them and really miss them, but I'm trying not to think about them cause whenever I do I always get more depressed...
And now it's raining. Great. Oh we'll. today has been filled with nothing really special, but for some reason I feel like it's been the best day yet. I feel stronger than usual. I realized today that my homesickness is something I'm going to fight for a long time, but if I just stay occupied it won't come. So that's my plan. School, devotionals, and everything in between should keep me distracted so I don't think of home. And it's working so far, or at least it has today. I'm excited to see what this first week of school brings. Tomorrow is Saturday!
Today's prayer: thank you God for giving me strength. You are so powerful and so perfect, and I want to confident in trusting you and your plan. I thank you for my parents, who so lovingly care for me, and I thank you for showing me your love and wisdom through them. I pray that I would follow what you wish, and that you would lead and use me to shine your light into the world. I love you! I thank you for helping me through and even though you know I'll fail again soon I thank you for always staying with me. Only someone like you would ever do such a thing. I'm so lucky to have such a majestic king to guide me. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment